One thing that has been a constant for me is defending myself based on very covert judgement of others.
Giving myself permission to be exactly where I am and be exactly who I am has been SUCH a vital process in my healing.
What people do not realize is with covert narcs and their flying monkeys are the subtle jabs. As someone who really does want to be the best I can, I have looked closely at all of them.
In my closest relationships, there are some things I did re-evaluate. I am certainly not without flaw. I have learned lessons that I am grateful despite the fuckery.
Those who taunted me on Facebook about what type clothes I wear or what kind of car I choose to drive can kiss my ass... ***I would delete the comments because I didn't like drawing the attention*** For reference, this is a RED FLAG I dismissed. Bad idea. These people are not "just weird", they are full on insane.
Normal and well adjusted people do not spend that sort of time and energy concerning themselves about such petty things that have ZERO effect on them..
It is an insecurity that belongs to THEM.
I had a very nice "name brand" car that I bought for an absolute steal. Those who constantly talked about it on social media and even went as far as to throw things and act like children when it had NOTHING to do with them... not only acted like bratty 4 year olds, but had vehicles with payments that placed theirs at double the cost of mine.
No one was concerned about this being a "good purchase"... looking out for my best interest, but it was the brand that bothered them. It was their issue.
This is where you have to do "narc decoding"... It's kind of like "sentence diagramming". No matter how many steps you have to decipher, it will always end up as the narcissists issue with THEMSELVES.
I bring this up because your emotions going through this are all over the place. Those same emotions have been toyed with and each deserves attention.
I may get really mad, fired up and go over the top with my "bad ass" or confidence I had in myself. I have to FEEL it again to remember. One memory may have me in tears.
Lol... THIS is where we SHOULD seem the most bi-polar.
We all get played on our personal strengths and weaknesses. They are very individual. I am more than aware that those who are FULLY committed to turning things to support their agenda, will do so no matter what I say or write.
I could have been ass deep in scripture for the past three years and I would have "lost my mind and probably in a cult"...You can't win.
So, just like I do myself, give yourself permission to feel whatever.
Actions are controllable, feelings are not.
Anger is a VERY appropriate emotion, just don't do anything stupid. Yes. Being pushed to the point of acting on it is the goal... Yes. It sounds DAMNED good. Just don't.
In between the highs and lows, if you go through it all, you will wind up somewhere in the middle as your best self.
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