Shame is a negative. Motivation is a positive. They do not match and never will.
Shame is control by of fear or obligation. I have always been very interested and completely opposed to this tactic. I have always laughed at the lack of sense it makes and the... "doesn't look overly successful to me".
I have always LOVED watching the dynamics of the parents who are the "narcs behind the pretty Christmas card" .. I know your kids. They can not stand you.
Who do they reach out to when they are suicidal, need help or are killing themselves with an addiction? Their friend with the big mouth who was allowed to have their own voice which led them to be able to think for themselves...
These people need to point the finger at others so no one would look behind their facade at what was really going on in their homes.
I had flying monkey assume my dad pushed my brothers in sports and would try and get me to say he did... Nope. They were the ones who did...(yeah, projection again). Who's kids succeeded? Hint: Not theirs.
What did they end up doing? You are right. They raised kids who behave just like them. They hate other people because that is what they lived... a judgmental home where they required to wear a "false mask".
I'm very sorry you destroyed your children to save yourselves. They will do the same to others... I have countless examples.
It does not need to be said again but I will say it anyway... Everything went to hell when my dad died.
This had a dual purpose... one was to give the appearance it was all "too much", hack the job accounts and the rest of the fuckery because it wouldn't happen on my watch. The other was SO cowardly... he was gone and his daughter and grandson were open targets. Pathetic.
I have a few favorites of those who gave me parenting advice based on what "their parents did"... These people also gave me the "dating advice" that worked out so well...
***"My mom was single, so she would beat my brothers after they went to sleep"... I have no doubt this worked well to scare them at the time. They became older... How did that work out for you? THAT is a military torture tactic to break a soldier down and force them in to compliance. No thank you.
*** "My dad would not let me in the car after losing a wrestling match and I had to walk 15 miles home... Maybe you try that with your son"... You HATE your dad, right? You HATE your mom for allowing it? No again.
*** Another fave is a parent bad mouthing my son for being disrespectful to me. This person did not see any exchange of the sort. I can give plenty of reasons why this person's advice would be so dismissed by me, in addition to the "redneck shame" of his own children I did see for myself, but, I will GLADLY compare "notes"... I'm being nice by not doing that here:-)
Typically kids who appear themselves aren't hiding a whole lot... I'll choose it any day.
Is anyone with me on the CLEAR evidence this does not work other than to create harm? This is critical thinking...
Until people realize that CONTROL will not CHANGE any single person beyond FACE VALUE, nothing will get better.
All of those who are screaming about "the world today"... start with your backyard. If love is fostered, self esteem grows. With self-esteem, good choices are made.
You can not control anyone's REAL thoughts. They will always belong to them and it does nothing but foster hate and resentment. This is what creates the false masks worn by cluster B personalities.
These are the types of people who will forever be no contact in my life... It is where toxic "hides"...
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